


Uchiha Itachi must die

by Dissenter



Category: Naruto
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Becoming an uncle is by far the worst thing ever to happen to Sasuke, Crack, Itachi's Uchiha hellspawns, Kid Fic, Rebellious teen Itachi, Yes that includes the massacre, the importance of contraception
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 16:38:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12324816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dissenter/pseuds/Dissenter
Summary: Itachi was a good looking troubled teenager left to wander the country unsupervised in the company of a group of insane criminals. He may have made a few questionable decisions involving alcohol and women. It is also worth noting that no-one actually got around to explaining the use of a condom to him. The results are depressingly predictable. Or the one where Itachi missed shinobi sex ed and ended up creating spawn across half the elemental nations, which Sasuke somehow ends up responsible for.





	Uchiha Itachi must die

**Author's Note:**

> I found this on my hard drive and decided it was still pretty funny, so I cleaned it up a bit and published it. Because really, Itachi is a teen with issues, no responsible adult supervision, and presumably a lot of money. What kind of lifestyle does that suggest to you?

It was Itachi’s fifteenth birthday, and Kisame had planned his party. It was the first birthday party he’d ever actually enjoyed, although maybe that was the booze and hormones talking. All the other ones had been stuffy clan affairs, no fun for anyone involved, especially the teenager whose birthday it was. The Uchiha were shit at parties. Kisame on the other hand was good at parties. A specific kind of parties, that involved alcohol, drugs, and hookers. It wasn’t something Itachi would have ever planned for himself, but after waking up the next morning in bed with two hookers and the worst hangover anyone in the Uchiha clan had, experienced, since the time Uchiha Izuna had tried that mysterious Uzumaki drink with the glow in the dark spiders and spent the night plotting to take over the world with the moon, he’d felt better than he had in months. Clearly Kisame was on to something. And it wasn’t like he was bad looking, or short on cash. There was no reason he couldn’t have sex, lots of sex, with lots of women. Maybe some men too. He’d probably draw the line at farm animals though, that sounded more like Hidan’s thing. Turned out murdering your family and going on the run had its perks. No-one expected you to be a good example anymore for one. If he was going to martyr himself for the sake of his village and little brother he was damn well going to enjoy the perks.

So Itachi found a new hobby, and probably nothing would have changed, except for one small detail. Itachi was a prodigy. He’d graduated early. Meaning he’d missed the final year of the academy. Which was incidentally the year in which they taught sex ed. The upshot of this was that Itachi Uchiha embarked on his plan of happily screwing his way across the continent, without the benefit of contraception.

_Approximately three years later_

It was a deceptively sunny day in Konoha. The sky was blue with little fluffy clouds in it, there were birds singing in the trees. All seemed right with the world, not a hint of the disaster that was about to fall upon the village. Honestly Konoha should have been more suspicious, it was a ninja village after all.

The civilian caravan made their way, to the gate, travel weary, and glad to finally arrive at their destination. Most of them made their way through the gates, but one woman broke off from the group to whisper something to the gate guards. After that all hell broke loose.

Izumo and Kotetsu had been relaxing at their post. They’d been keeping an eye out for trouble of course, but honestly even the most vigilant shinobi would have been caught off guard by the woman. Keiko, she said her name was, and honestly judging by her dress and mannerisms she was either a prostitute or she was doing a very good impression of one, but that wasn’t the problem. The problem came when she said.

“I think my kid might be an Uchiha.” Izumo had nearly choked on his coffee. Kotetsu did some quick mental calculations and asked

“How old?”

“He’s nearly two.” Ok, that was impossible the Uchiha’s were all killed a little over five years ago, the only Uchiha left were little Sasuke, who was far too young to be thinking about girls, and… oh shit.

“’zumo, how old would Uchiha Itachi be now?”

“Um, round about seventeen I think, why?” His face suddenly went grey, “Oh shit.”

“Yeah. You go tell the Hokage, I’ll go have a look at the kid, it might all be a hoax after all.”

“Since when are we that lucky.”

They weren’t that lucky. It turned out that the only reason the mother had even suspected the kid was an Uchiha, was because the boy had already developed the sharingan. Like father like son, Kotetsu supposed. It got worse though, because after thinking back to try and work out which of her clients was the father, she’d remembered a threesome with another local hooker who had a daughter almost exactly the same age as her little Kazuto. The man involved had looked a lot like both children, more so as they grew older, and she was fairly sure he’d been a ninja, judging by the number of pointy objects she’d had to work around. The other woman had listened to her concerns and decided that both of them should go to Konoha before they ended up in serious ninja trouble. Even civilians knew that bloodline children without a village to protect them were just asking for trouble. So now they had at least one, probably two baby Uchiha’s, that were almost certainly the kids of Uchiha Itachi, genius, mass murderer, and all around nutjob. Why did the complicated shit always happen on his watch.

The Sandaime was thinking almost exactly the same thing as he looked at the two women with pale, dark haired toddlers in their arms. He rubbed his forehead in an attempt to dispel the growing headache.

“So lets go over this again. You” he pointed at the woman holding the boy “first suspected your kid was an Uchiha, when his eyes turned red during a scuffle with a couple of older boys.” She nodded shyly. “And because you were fairly sure that the two children had the same father, you…” and he pointed at the other woman, “Came to the not unreasonable assumption that both your kids might in fact be Uchiha’s, and decided it was in the best interests of both you and the children to seek sanctuary here in Konoha, before other ninja came looking for them.” The other woman nodded, slightly more confidently. The sandaime gave a deep sigh. The paperwork for this was going to be horrendous. “Ok I’m going to need you to tell me everything you remember about the children’s suspected father.

Sasuke was ten when the first babies arrived. Up until that point he’d been perfectly happy brooding, training, and plotting bloody revenge on his brother. He’d had some vague ideas about restoring the clan as well, which he would probably have reconsidered if he’d known exactly what they meant. In any case he’d been top of the class, he’d been the last Uchiha, and the clan compound, while slightly morbid was peaceful and solitary, giving him plenty of space to mope. Then _they_ arrived. Everyone else said they were children, he knew better. They were unholy demonspawn, sent to torment him and drive him further into the jaws of madness. They were evil. Pure unadulterated evil, and the worst part was he couldn’t even blame his brother’s genes. His brother had by all accounts been an eerily well behaved child.

The first two hadn’t been so bad. They were annoying, but they had their mothers with them and he wasn’t really expected to do much beyond the odd round of babysitting. If it had stopped at two he might have even been happy about it. It might’ve even been fun being a big brother to them when they got older. The trouble was it wasn’t just two. After the first two the Sandaime had launched a discreet investigation to see if Itachi had been careless more than once. Once is an accident, twice is carelessness, forty six times and counting was enemy action. Sasuke didn’t care what anyone said, Itachi was doing it on purpose, he knew it. No-one has forty six kids by accident. Clearly murdering his family in front of him hadn’t been enough for that bastard, now he had to overrun the village with his devil spawn. Worse some of them had just been dumped off on the village by their disinterested mothers, meaning there were now far more kids than there were adults to supervise them.

Within two weeks Sasuke had dropped from top of the class to barely better than Naruto, which considering the idiot spent more of his time pranking than actually in lessons was deeply humiliating. He was sleep deprived, frustrated and the twins kept on being sick over his class notes. It was impossible to find space to train where he didn’t risk accidentally hitting one of the monsters with a shuriken (he was tempted, but the hokage had made it very clear that killing his own clans children would definitely be enough to keep him from graduating on psychological grounds. There were days that he almost sympathised with Itachi’s decision to murder his entire clan, then he remembered that this was all Itachi’s fault to begin with and the sympathy vanished.

The academy should have been a refuge. A blissful escape from the marauding hordes. And it was. Except that the fan girls had now gained a new and horrifying dimension. He understood now in a way he never had before. They weren’t just clingy and irritating, they were _plotting,_ they wanted to _use him_ to create more of those hellspawn. Just the thought of it gave him cold chills. He spent a great deal of time in the library researching contraception, before he discovered that contraception was not 100% effective, any time he had sex with a woman, he would be risking adding to this nightmare. Sasuke really hoped he turned out gay.

By the time he graduated (just about scraping a pass), Sasuke knew exactly how to answer Kakashi’s introduction.

“My name is Sasuke Uchiha. I dislike small children, babysitting small children, changing the nappies of small children, and having to live in the same clan compound as small children, I have no hobbies thanks to the aforementioned small children, and my dream… No my ambition, is to kill a certain man. Or failing that _castrate him.”_

**Author's Note:**

> I suspect Kakashi and Jiraiya may conspire to make Itachi the star of the next Icha Icha novel.  
> I suspect Naruto is the kind of awful teammate who feeds the kids sugar, provides them with pranking supplies, and then leaves Sasuke to handle the mess.  
> Itachi has no idea the kids exist. Boy is he in for a surprise when he visits Konoha.


End file.
